I Did My Best! Yay!

One out of three, baby. Oh yeah. I'm on fire!

Wish I could find this song online to share. It's one of the most beautiful and haunting songs ever written.

The Tear Garden

With Wings

The crippled soul divides
And the scars of years fly away
Like confetti on the desert wind
Phoenix rises
Proud young wings reflecting amber
Solitary
Untouchable
Excited
And ready to search for his rose
But the flight lasted so long
And those powerful wings grew weary
As he padded through blind alleys
Swooped open-eyed into blind curves
And wasted night
After lonely night
Trying to drink from a mirage
But no distraction could decimate
The totality of belief
And his number came up
Just when the weight of his despair
Had him pinned to a rock
When the feathers of his wings
Had been shed
And he stood naked
Before a disapassionate ocean of grey faces
His precious twin
His rose
Isolde dancing alone
Then multiplying
Inviting
So many many levels
And the crippled soul unites and prepares
For the long journey home


Nix says: Would it be suprising if I said "Fuck"?

Did Ya Kah-No?

I'm needy.

No, I'm serious. I'm fucking needy.

I need closeness. Holding, touching, kissing. I need that.

I also need conversation. Discussions on various topics so we can share our thoughts.

I need to laugh, too. I'm impressed if anyone can make me laugh, so that's important.

And I need someone to laugh with me. That's important, as well.

And I need somebody that actually wants what I want. What do I want? Well, I want to move on from just fucking around and make something lasting.

So, yeah. I'm needy. I admit it, embrace it and accept it.

And now is time for cake!

Love And Rockets

Use Me

Use me
Come on and use me
Say do anything
So's that I'm not alone again
Now darkness and emptiness and happiness
Can all be mine
Just use me
So's that I'm not alone
We're not alone
You really got me
Come on and fuck with me
Just believe in me
Come on and use me
Say who you want to please
Is it my honey you need
So what's on my mind yeah
Again
Abuse me confuse me drink me do me
Come with me so's that I'm not alone
We're not alone
Not alone

Nix says: M.F.B. heheheh

Tomorrow's My First Show!

Yay! I get to totally fuck up a show on my own! I wonder if I'll remember what the fuck I'm supposed to do. Will I through in a reference to Tommy, such as "towel paper-towel"? Stay tuned to find out the thrilling answers to these questions and more!

Guster

I Spy

We went down to the May parade,
mumbled words under my breath
There is something I've been meaning to do,
I am dying to tell you
I've been so damn tired

It went down at the May parade,
bitter words under my breath
There is something I've been dyin to do,
I was meaning to tell you
I've been so damned sad

Cause I spy something wrong

You don't know how far you've gone
Or recognize who you've become
How'd you grow to be so hard...
sick of playing my part

We went down at the May parade,
alcohol under my breath
There is something I've been meaning to do,
I am dying to tell you
I've been so damned sad

Cause I spy something wrong

You don't know how far you've gone
Or recognize who you've become
When'd you grow to be so hard...
sick of playing my part

I Hate.

So many words that are unspoken.

But is there anything to say?

Fuck if I know.

God, I wanted to say so many things.

But I guess we're looking for different things.

So it's pointless babble that leaks from my mouth.

So many things I'm feeling.

And you'll never know what you've done.

"So I Thought"

All your twisted thoughts free flow
To everlasting memories
Show soul
Kiss the stars with me
And dread the wait for
Stupid calls returning us to life
We say to those who are in love
It can't be true 'cause we're too young
I know that's true because
so long I was
So in love with you
So I thought

A year goes by
And I can't talk about it

On my knees
Dim lighted room
Thoughts free flow try to consume
Myself in this
I'm not faithless
Just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose
Ignorance is bliss cherish it
Pretty neighborhoods
You learn to much to hold
Believe it not
And fight the tears
With pretty smiles and lies
About the times

A year goes by
And I can't talk about it

The times weren't right
And I couldn't talk about it

Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between
Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between

And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream
So we can talk about it

Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between
omance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, healing

And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream

And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between



Nix says: And that doesn't even come close to what I'm feeling.

I'm Sighing, Again.

I know this is fucking pointless. But I'm really not feeling well, in the head.

I'm fucked. That is all.

This is the only version of this song, that I could find. But I find it very sweet. Shit, I wish someone would think of me, that way. But the guy should be happy that he has all those pictures. I don't have shit. Only memories.



And put this up as my MySpace song.

A Pain That I'm Used To

I'm not sure
What I'm looking for anymore
I just know
That I'm harder to console
I don't see who I'm trying to be
Instead of me
But the key
Is a question of control

Can you say
What you're trying to play anyway
I just pay
While you're breaking all the rules
All the signs that I find
Have been underlined
Devils thrive on the drive
That is fuelled

All this running around
Well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe
All the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve
Something that rings true

There's a hole in your soul
Like an animal
With no conscience
Repentance unknown
Close your eyes
Pay the price for your paradise
Devils feed on the seeds
That are sown

Can't conceal what I feel
What I know is real
No mistaking the faking
I care
With a prayer in the air
I will leave it there
On a note full of hope
Not despair

All this running around
Well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe
All the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve
Something that rings true

Nix says: Yes, I'm unhappy. And you do this to me. I realize that, no. Thanks. I try to say good-bye, but I try to pull you back. Figure out what you fucking want and let me be miserable. Because that's what you want, which is not me. Does that make sense? Who cares?

Here It Is.

Breakfast.

What a stupid word.

Nix says: And all that it implies.

Midnight Snack

Well, my goddamn phone line is not working, so this blog is delayed by 12 or so hours. I'm in Columbia, MO, but Thursday evening was spent at the Bean House, or something. It was kinda weird cuz I was with Jess, a girl I used to work with at Imo's, another girl that used to work with my ex-fiance at Subway, and someone I didn't know from a past life. And all four of them took turns slapping my face, some better than others, but all of them couldn't resist the chance to join in. It was fucking hot! Yes, I somewhat get off on pain. Good fucking times.

I think my "k" key is getting broken in, as it's not giving me trouble, anymore.

In other news, there really isn't any other news. But check here at some point in the future for a rather cool little thing I have in the works. (Hizz, don't tell.) It should be fun.

@Quill: Sorry I wasn't available. I was kinda avoiding everyone. So here's something just for you, buddy. You're never gonna believe it. Oh, and fuck you, my tattoo does not look like that.



Hope everyone finds what they need, someday. It could happen. You never know, do ya?

Nix says: And I was free.

So, For Dinner.

I'm unreliable, messy, I never sleep, love horror, drink and ... I must be missing some things, here. Oh, and I never want to grow up.

I don't think "unreliable" was actually the word. But hey, you can't rely on me to remember everything!

Wow, if only there were a way to jack directly into my head. Anyone reading that would find that they just suffered a brain hemorrhage. Bzuuahht!

So, me and NutJob talked for a bit, last night. Anyone remember that it was her birthday, besides her son? The one that ran around yelling "It's mommy's birthday! Happy birthday, mommy!" as she tried to talk on the phone? Hmmm....

Oh, yeah, the conversation led to some good ideas for film. One, can be a short and is fucking hilarious. And one needs to be thought through, since there are so many different ways to take the story.

So, if you don't have anything to do and make no attempt to contact someone earlier, does it make a sound if a tree falls on you? I dunno. There might be a "crunch" or something.

My office has a cable connection and I utilize the hell out of it, while I'm there. Put up a pretty cool new song on my MySpace page.

Am I rambling? If you answered "No! You're not rambling!", then you're lying. I am fucking rambling.

I'm almost afraid to type my own thoughts, right now, as some might get sad, angry, happy. Oh, fuck it. Here goes....

I LIKE POTATOES!!!!

Actually, really fuck it.

Back and forth, back and forth! Upset at my feelings but causing them at the same goddamn time. What do you fucking want from me? Well, I know, and I'm willing to give you that, but just let me be confused, cuz you're really good at making me feel that way. You go and find what you want, but don't be suprised if I find what I'm looking for, before you do. Cuz I actually know what the hell it is. And you've told me that I won't get that from you, while you have no idea what you "really" want. That is what you are needing, right now, right? To figure it out?

Nix says: With butter, at that!

What I Had For Lunch

Not really, just making a funny, that only I find funny.

I woke and sat up, wondering why I was awake. Thought of someone and wished she was here, and then I looked back at my bed, and there she was. And waking had so much meaning, because of that. So, I wrapped myself around her, kissing her lightly and just enjoying her being close to me and fell back into darkness. A beautiful way to realize what matters.

Vast

I Can't Say No (To You)

Closed eyes in the dark
Whispering when no one's around
The night sky looks like blue (?)
My touch does not affect you

I wait for the night to follow me
Like sugarplums, like sugardrops
I wait for the night to conquer me again
I can't say yes, I can't say no to you

We bring our stories with us
We light a candle for beauty's sake
Are you feeling the bliss?
I am dying
I am

I wait for the night to follow me
With sugarplums, with sugardrops
I wait for the night to conquer me again
I can't say yes, I can't say no to you

I wait for the night to conquer me again
I can't say yes, I can't say no to you

Nix says: And I faded into nothingness.

So I Can't Rhyme. Get Over It.

Slowly, It Sinks In

You just don’t love me,

Like I love you.

It’s taken awhile,

But I’ve figured it out.

I’m the one,

That needs to move on.

And I will,

So you can be free

Of me.

Bonus Blog

Wish that Simon would make this available for MySpace. But I've got the disc, so I'm hooked up. Blah. bloopity blah. Kill me.

This Is Where It Ends

What you got to be sad about cause all your love you can turn it upside down, turn it upside down, turn it upside down.
What you got to be down about cause all your life you can change it in a flash, avoid another crash and learn to steer at last.

This is where it ends.
This is where it ends.
Love's thrown down its ends.
So This is where it ends.
And This is where it ends and now you can live again.

What you reminiscing for
cause all last year you wanted a little more.
So you asked for more,
so you asked for more.
What you calling home about
because you know it's time just to let her twist and shout.
You'll see what it's all about, you'll see what it's all about.

This is where it ends.
This is where it ends.
Love's thrown down its ends.
This is where it ends.
This is life's big test.
And, Life's thrown down it's ends
This is where it ends.
This is where it ends.

It's better now you've hit ground
And you see you really just cared
Screaming out to the sound of life starting to rev
So don't run, don't run, just walk and raise your head

What you got to be sad about
well I tell you now just get your courage out.
You might see the light,
you might see the light.

This is where it ends.
This is where it ends.
Love's thrown down its ends.
This is where it ends.
And This is lifes big test.
Life's thrown down it's ends
This is where it ends.
This is where it ends.

Lyrics c Simon Pollitt 2006

I'm Playing The Blues, Right Fucking Now.

So fuck off!

I used to have an extensive collection of blues CD's but they were stolen when I lived in Cali. I just burned the last one by R.L.Burnside and it's pretty damn cool.

Now, when I'm home, I only turn my stereo up during "normal" hours. Like noon to 7. Other than that, I either use my computer or turn it to an "acceptable" level.

I just recieved my first complaint in the almost 2 years I've lived here. Heard someone slam their apartment door and then a very annoying rapid knocking at my door. Now, I have a little hole I can look through, and it's actually not that little, but it does have a button beneath it, that you can push, and it will make a dinging noise. This bitch gave the annoying rapid knock and hid to the side, so I couldn't see who the fuck was out there. Good thinking. You could be wearing a ski-mask and holding a switch-blade. I open the door, anyway, cuz I was in a pretty good mood. Just had a wonderful night with someone and was feeling mellow. This bitch then comes around the corner (again, good thing she wasn't someone trying to kill me) and looks like she's going to rip her hair out. Can I turn "that" down, because it comes straight through the wall and is driving her "crazy". Seriously, she actually looked like she was going crazy from hearing a 75 year old black man singing at 5 pm. I was smiling and nodding and saying "I'm sorry", but when she was done with her rant, she huffily turned and stomped back to her apartment.

WTF? I've been here almost 2 years and noone NOONE has ever had a problem with my movies or music. Oh, and she stated that she hears it "every day". Yeah, right. I'm not fucking here, every day, bitch.\

What I'd like to do: Load up all 5 slots in my player, crank it up and let it play while I'm in Texas. I'd actually go out and buy the most annoying music, ever. I'd buy Hanson with MmmBop. I'd buy Fergie's album. The most annoying shit and let her fume over it for a couple days, until she finally calls the complex and they come into my apartment and turn it off. Damn! That would be fucking great!

Now, I've only seen one other person get all upset at the blues. When I worked at the video store (thanks for all the porn!) there was an old guy who was a PHD in music. He loved our back-room with all the porn and that's all he ever rented. And I was playing a collection of various great blues artists. This fucker comes up, porn in hand, mind you, and says "What is this?" Me: "Well, this is blues." Him:"It's driving me crazy. This is shit!" Excuse me? I got nothing against porn, I have a huge bag full of shit. But to be physically and mentally bothered by one of the greatest music genres....that's just retarded. No wonder you have to get your nuts off to annoying 20 year olds. You're a fucking moron! Fuck off!

Here's some R.L.Burnside



Anyway, good album. Not feeling like writing a review for the Tomb. And your mother was a couch. Do you know what I did to her?

Nix says: MILF Hunter. Believe it. LOL. Creepy kid.

For The Hizzy

It's on the live album titled "Farewell", their last live performance. Done on Halloween, btw. Here's the version you heard me play over and over.



Nix says: Love me the Elf-Man!

Yeah, That's True.

I'm fucked.











Need something to do. Going fucking crazy.

Nix says: What goes around comes all the way back around. Yeah, right. Never seen that happen.

I'm Such An Idiot.

Yeah, Mr. Genius IQ is a total fucking moron when it comes to protecting himself.

God, I let myself be swayed by my emotions, so easily.

I still don't know what the fuck is going on! I made a suggestion, which I thought was accepted, and then everything just went crazy. Nice after-taste in my mouth, though.

Fuck. Whatever.

Nix says: www.tombofanubis.com

How Long Will I Wait For You?

Well, that's just a quote from a song. It really has no place in my life.

Damn, I'm really fucking angry. Sure, I'm depressed, but anger is really coming to the forefront, here.

I know I've made the right decision, in this situation. But why did I have to make that decision, to begin with? Oh, that's right. Somebody couldn't make up their minds and just kept fucking with me. Not only that, but then treating me like shit, when they ran away.

I didn't deserve any of that. I deserve so much better. And if I ever decide to find someone worthy of my love, I hope I choose wisely.

And perhaps that person will be able to actually talk about things. Guys are always singled out as being unable to discuss serious issues, but this just proves that girls can be just as stupid.

Nix says: Now is time for cake!

Don't Forget!

Check www.tombofanubis.com for my new review of Kottentail.

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I really like this song. Until he starts rapping or whatever at the end.



Nix says: Someday, someone won't fuck me over.

No YouTube, For Once

Well, everything is done and over. Me and the stupid teddy-bear are gonna get to know eachother. Simon Pollitt sent me his disc and it's great.

Making big changes in my life.

Moving on.

Still upset, angry and depressed, but this is for the best.

Goodbye to all that seemed so right but turned out to be oh so wrong.

Nix says: Fucking bullshit.

Perfect Poopiness

I just don't know what to do. I'm in what you would call a quandary. I know what I SHOULD do. I also know what I want to do. But I could very well end up doing what shouldn't do and I don't want to. There's what should happen and what may happen. Fuck me! I know this could be confusing to decipher. Good. Welcome to my fucking head.

The following should take you on a little guide through my thinking.

Oingo Boingo. Great band, great song. We Close Our Eyes. Live.



This isn't the greatest vid, but it kinda gets the point across. Another great song. White Flag by Dido.



Gotta throw in some wolf love with this Breaking Benjamin.




And, just to make this more like my thinking, here's a fan vid for Circle Of Dust, which used to be one of my favorite underground bands. Yurasuka. (pronunciation found in vid)



Nix says: Head reeling. So confused. Dead inside.

Blogger, Oh Sweet Blogger

It's quite interesting to go back and read stuff from back to, well, Sept. of 2004 on up to the present. See all the different shit I was thinking, feeling, saying. What I went through. Seeing how I came out the other side of all those different things with a new attitude and optimism.

So, I'm pretty sure I'll come out of my latest shit-fest with the same. I've already made a few steps towards that (well I sent what I thought was a very adult message that expressed good things and wishes) and it's getting somewhat not as painful. I'm not as angry I was. But the way I and the situation was handled/treated pretty much pissed me the fuck off. (I think my "K" key is wearing out from the constant typing of the word "fuck". I have to fucking really press down on it, to make it work.) So, that one post (if you read it you know which one) that I took down was just the way I was feeling at that time, but the next day, I realized that it was just my anger and depression overriding my normally profane, but still not vindictive, self. I don't try to hurt anyone, but that was crossing the line. My very bad. I'm sorry.

On the other hand, don't treat someone like shit and ignore them and it probably wouldn't happen.

So, here's some more beautiful music. This one is an acoustic version of a really good song by 30 Seconds To Mars. Took me awhile to get into this band, but they have some good stuff. Here's Was It A Dream.



And I have a confession to make. That song actually made me put up a pic on my stupid MySpace, so I can never forget the good things when the bad are trying to make me hate. Because, as much as I could, I don't want to. I want to remeber why I was happy, in the first place. So, if you just passed over that live performance, you missed something powerful. Scroll back up and give it a shot.

And here's a trippy little vid to one of my favorite Cure songs: Never Enough. Smoke up, bitches!



And one really pointless vid for TSTM for Savior. But I like the song so much and the lyrics are good enough to just be printed on a screen.



Nix says: So I show my head through others music, nowadays. Fuck off. I don't even know for sure, anymore, what the fuck is going on.

Just Effing Great, Thanks!

In case you were wondering how I was doing.

Got a suprising phone call as I was leaving, today. Wonder what that was all about. The world may never know.

Made it to Texas and we're shacked up in a Motel 6, before we find our real hotel. Should be fun. The GPS can't locate the address I type in and wants to take us somewhere else. Hooray for technology.

If you ever go and do karaoke with me, you know there's one song I love to sing all the time. I Don't Have Anything by VAST. Well, I found a nice live performance to share. Enjoy. And fuck love in the ass until it is rectally bleeding. Back to the single life where noone could hurt me except myself.



"Now you know my life will you see me through ghost eyes?
Will you cut the ties?
If you do I'll be fine again and I'll put up my shield and I'll never die
Except inside."

Simon Pollitt "Fragile"