No Effing Way

I wish this were a joke. I really, truly and fully hoped that this was a joke.

If you read my Darkness Falls review, you might remember me saying something like "Too bad Thor wasn't in it." That was my reference to one of the films writer/director John Fasano (he co-wrote DF) had been involved in. "Rock 'n Roll Nightmare"

Now, that is a difficult movie to find, as it has only been available on a late '80's VHS that I believe is very discontinued.

One Jon Mikl Thor starred in that..ummm...movie? He was lead singer of a band called, well, Thor. But in the movie he's John Triton and his movie band is, The Tritonz. Imagine that. Awful movie. It is being released on DVD, finally, this year. I will have to get a copy.

But that's not the thing that blew my fucking mind.

I was flipping through the recent issue of Rue Morgue magazine and discovered this: There's a fucking sequel. A goddamn sequel!

Shot in 2005, on video, JMThor is back as...The Intercessor! None of you will know what the hell an "intercessor" is, as you've probably never seen RNRNightmare. But, holy cow! I can't freakin' believe this! AND THEY'RE PLANNING A THIRD! *Nix slits his own throat*

RNRN contains the most unbelievable plot twist in history. I can't wait for the DVD, so I can properly review it.

Anyway, I was looking at the layout of my den and thinking about what would happen if I actually brought some female back, who wanted to play. I imagine it would go something like this:

Nix: "Well, here we are. *opens door* Oh, let me move this wheelchair into the kitchen. Oops, all these blankets are overkill, too. Here, let me get all of these horror DVD's out of the way and also kick the large bag of erotic vhs tapes I inherited from working at a video store, under the futon. Watch out for that hatchet. It's sharp. Oh, and the gun is fake, but the surgical shears are real, as well as that circular-saw blade. And all the video cameras laying around aren't turned on. *she runs for her life* Damn."

Props for movies that haven't happened and cameras for them could, quite possibly, give the wrong impression. But I think that's fucking hilarious. I'll have to do something about that.

Well, it's my one day off and I'm off to do some serious movie watching.

Nix says: "I'll get you next time!" (The very stiff satan puppet from RNRN)

Boo, Indeed.

Well, let me start with this: It was slightly better than I expected but much worse than I would have liked.

I'm speaking of "Boo". A film I just finished and wish I hadn't. There were other things I could have done with my time that would have been more productive. For instance, I could have watched more behind the scenes regarding Cronenberg's "The Fly" an immensely better crafted film.

Who's responsible for this film? One Anthony C. Ferrante. He's worked for years writing for Fangoria and (before the censorship issues) Gorezone. The guy know his horror and should by all rights have made a horror film for horror fans. What the fuck went wrong, then?

First, the good. He wrote and directed the thing and obviously wanted to take it in a certain direction. Apparently that is the "House on Haunted Hill" and "Session 9" direction. Hey, no complaints from me. I love both of those flicks. But then remove all of the fun elements and you get "Boo".

Some nice shots, a few creepy moments and some ok gore. Add to that, these things, and tell me what you'll come up with: Terrible dialogue, shit acting and a shoddy script. Yes, you've got crap. I'm glad you're good with math.

Plot: There's a plot? Sorta. Some kids go to an abandoned hospital for Halloween and there's some pissed ghosts. That's it. Aside from the blaxploitation actor who's now a cop and the son of his old partner.....Really, it's totally pointless.

For the first half of the film, I kept wanting to know what in the hell was going on. Why is there a pissed off ghost or ghosts? Why? Can I buy a fucking vowel? For the last half, I was begging the movie to STOP telling me why there was a pissed off ghost. It was freakin' awful.

Terrible dialogue. Abso-fucking-lutely terrible.

There was only one decent actor and they fucking killed him. I guess that was supposed to be "daring" and "unexpected". But as soon as I saw that his injury was identical to the one good character in Jason vs.........Sorry. Freddy vs. Jason, I knew he was toast and I was no longer invested in his character.

"Boo" is a film based on a setting. A location. An already "creepy" location. Hence the "Session 9" reference. But where "Session 9" utilized its intrinsically disturbing background, "Boo" fails utterly to bring the reality into the fiction. Sure, things are filmed nicely and the sound-design started off well (the last 15 minutes of ghost dialogue was shit). But overall it was a cut rate rip-off of films that did it better.

If you've got nothing better to do, it's worth a Netflix rental. But don't buy the fucker. I have faith that Mr. Ferrante can do better. I just think he needs to leave the writing to someone else.

Nix says: But that redhead was fucking hot!!!

Oh, and everyone keeps asking me where I found the quote in my previous post. It's not a "quote". That's me. That was just something I blurted out off the top of my head. Perhaps I should copyright it, as everyone seems to think it's from a book, or something.

Philisophimasizing And Various Other Crap

So, I was chatting with someone and just got in a mood and blurted this out:

"In order to see ourselves we must first realize we are all those that we despise. Just another walking blade that cuts those that surround us. A repetitious series of emotions and reactions that we all know are purely ridiculous in their execution and the effects they have on ours and others well-being."

What does it mean? If it needs to be spelled out, it was never meant for your eyes.

Let's talk about Decatur and Springfield. Ooo, yes, please!

I've been gone for a full week and am finally home. The first day in Decatur was... ummm... It was interesting. As I set up the room, TJ took my truck to go and get the chicken and vegetables for our first show at 6. 5:30 rolls around and no TJ. One of the hotel guys comes up to me and says he recieved a call from TJ. He drove my truck into a grassy median and is stuck in mud. (He obviously didn't realize he could have switched to 4-wheel drive) So, I did the first show without cooking and it was just general chaos. TJ got pulled out and was ok. He was lost and tried to cross the median in order to turn around.

On paper, I believe we got around 26 grand. Keep in mind that we still need to see if there are any cancellations and whatever. We'll see.

Saturday, I went out, as I was tired of sitting in a fucking hotel room. Did some kareoke and some chick asked me to go to another bar with her. She disappeared later and I just ended up talking and lauging with other people.

Ok, Fangoria has posted the "Best Horror DVD's of 2005". Here's the list and we'll see if I own any:

Aftermath/Genesis (No, but I really want it.)

The Beast (No)

The Blind Dead Collection (No, again, but I also want this set.)

Dead Birds (Yes!)

The Devil's Rejects (No, but it's a great movie.)

The Fly (This is Cronenberg's remake and I don't own it, yet.UPDATE! I FUCKING OWN IT!)

Freaked (Hell, fuck yeah! I got this flick as soon as it came out!)

The Frighteners (Of course.)

Jaws (Oh, yes. Looks great on DVD!)

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (How could I not own this? Michael Rooker is fantastic!)

The Manson Family (You bet. What a fucked up movie.)

King Kong 2-Disc (I snagged it. What a classic!)

Phantasm Box-Set (This is only available in the UK. DAMMIT!)

Seed of Chucky Unrated (I own it, but don't remember enjoying it that much.)

Undead (Got it asap. The best indie flick to come out in 2005!)

The Val Lewton Horror Collection (Eventually.)

And they list the worst, as well.

AvP Director's Cut (Hell, no.)

Alone In The Dark (Tempted. Boll is always good for a laugh, but no, no and no.)

Dark Harvest 2 (Ummm...Don't think I'd even rent it.)

Day of the Dead 2:Contagium (What a great way to shit all over Romero. I don't even want to be in the same room as the box, so, no.)

The Gingerdead Man (Oh, Gary Busey, what happened? No, I'll not be owning this.)

So, I've got 9 (NOW 10!) of the best and none of the worst. That's a pretty good score.

Nix says: The Gingerdead Man. Fuck off.

I Can't See My CHIP!

(The above is dedicated my sister and John Carpenter.)

Let's take this time to use our time machines and travel back to the wonderous year of 1987. Remember that year? It brought us a lot of great horror flicks. It's the year that brought us Evil Dead 2, as a matter of fact.

Does anybody except for me remember when there was no PG-13? In '84 Joe Dante and Stevie Speilberg changed all of that for us with a little flick called Gremlins. There was public outrage that they would dare show rubber monsters get cut up in a blender or exploded in a microwave! In a PG flick, at that! How fucking terrible! Those bastards were obviously trying to corrupt our youth and make them kill rubber monsters for real!

Anyway, come 1987, PG-13 was in full swing and many filmmakers were taking the chance at pushing the envelope a little further with the scariness yet still be able to tap the youth market. A far cry from today, where studios and filmmakers intentionally pull their punches in order to get that all-important youth market.

Enter a Mr. Tibor Takacs and one VERY young Mr. Stephen Dorff. You know Mr. Dorff from the original Blade, *ahem* Feardotcom and *coughcough* Alone In The Dark. But in '87 he was just a wee lad. That's right. We're gonna talk about The Gate.

The film is rather well done, for a film that's supposed to be aimed at kids. And also pretty goddamn dark.

See, it's based on H.P. Lovecraft's mythology of the Great Old Ones. The Elder Gods. those that were around before man and before Christ. We call them demons, but others see them as the creators of man. Anyway, read Lovecraft for more info, the movie just gives you the basics.

We focus on Glen, his older sister, Al (Alexandra) and Glen's friend Terry. I should point out that Terry's mother passed away at some recent time, as this is referenced later. Glen and Al's parents leave for the weekend just after a storm has toppled a tree in their backyard, which leaves a gaping pit. Various weird things happen and Terry, while listening to his metal albums, figures out that the gate to the Elder Gods has been opened. From there it's just weirdness after weirdness until the inevitable final opening of the gate to release the big-ass "demon" and whatever... you can figure it out.

Why did I point out Terry's dead mother? Because this is one dark, disturbing and downright fucking creepy goddamn movie. There's a scene where Terry's mom shows up all dressed in white (before any REALLY weird shit has happened, btw) and telling him how much she loves him and it all goes very disturbing from there. I won't give it away.

This movie hits a lot of the fears of the younger crowd. Parents? They're so powerful, compared to children. That's touched on. Shadows, sounds, ghost stories.. They're all played upon and quite well.

The FX are just amazing for the small budget and the time period. I REALLY wanna fucking know how they made those little demons look so damn good!

I don't understand how this little gem of a flick has been buried over the years and overlooked. I remember seeing it in the theaters and totally in to it. I just saw it an hour ago, and I was right back there, in the theater and loving it. It has a great moral about sibling love and what's important. And, damn, it's one of the few kids flicks that really approached the loss of a parent in any rational way, at all.

*sigh* Tibor...I miss this guy. He only had one really noteworthy flick after this one, and it went straight to video. I, Madman. A bit disjointed, but a great concept and really showed his talent. Sadly, after making another direct to video flick, The Gate 2, he's mostly done T.V., including Sabrina the Teenage Witch T.V. flicks. Oh, christ. I really don't see why he didn't climb higher. I really miss this guy.

So, check The Gate out for one of the creepiest "made for kids" flicks you'll ever see.

Nix says: Did I mention "woot"?

Greatest Godzilla Ever

Holy shit!

I just got finished watching the latest (and final?) Godzilla flick to come out of Japan. Godzilla: Final Wars.

I've read aobut it for months. People bitching and moaning about this or that. And I have to say: What the fuck is wrong with you?!

It's directed by Ryuhei Kitamura, the guy that gave us Versus, which was a nice combination of genres.

This new G flick has everything you ever loved about Godzilla, but amps it up for the year 2004 (the year it was released in Japan).

Like Godzilla as the bad guy? Here. Remember the monster battles from hell? Here. The aliens tricking us and controlling the monsters? Here. Godzilla as the hero, even? Fucking here!

The bonus is that the human and monster storylines are so closely intertwined that I never got bored. That was a downfall for many a G-film throughout history. Always sitting there going "C'mon get the fuck on with the destruction!"

There is plenty of destruction. And plenty of fucking monsters, I might add.

Let me address the bitches that some have: The music, for one. "Waaah! They didn't use Ifukube's scores!" Yes, they did. It was one of the first musical cues they introduced. However, they then kicked in some techno-industrial shit that really amped the excitement level. Hell, they even had some metal-industrial song, at one point. And Keith Emerson supplied music, as well. This series needs fresh blood to make it interesting and exciting, again. If you want ALL IFUKUBE ALL THE TIME, just by the fucking CD's, you whiny pricks.

"They ripped off the Matrix!" Umm, Ok. How many American flicks do that and get away with it? Sure, one (1) 360 shot and one (1) "bullet time" scene. There's your Matrix. "Oh, but all the martial arts!" Yeah, keep in mind who created that shit, you fuckers.

"Godzilla's fights are too short!" Oh, fuck off. The days of Destroy All Monsters is past us. This movie had a REASON for making them so easy to defeat. I must say, when G finally wiped out the main baddie at the end, I was fucking cheering OUT LOUD in my living room! This movie makes Godzilla out to be the baddest motherfucker in the world! And rightly so! (The best fight, btw, (and one of the quickest) was Godzilla blowing the shit out of the American version of Godzilla. Take that, bitch!)

The effects are tremendously awesome. Some great CG, but the integration of humans, models, suits, CGI is all done so spectaculary that it easily surpasses GMK and any other entry.

Nix says: Ok. Done drooling. This fukcing rocks!

Review Of Stupid-Ass Darkness Falls

(Part of the Dueling Banjo Movie Reviews)

Darkness Falls (2003)

IMDB Rating 4.5 (I'm seriously shocked people were so nice to this thing!)


Not to be mistaken for the 1999 DF, which got a 5.5 rating (And was straight to video/cable).


Before beginning my dreaded viewing of Darkness Falls, I decided two things.

One, I would watch the trailer, first. (I usually only do this for movies I'm excited about, but thought it would be nice to get re-introduced to how the studio promoted the film.

There was no trailer in the "Special Features". Off to a bad start, movie. But they did have "Animated Menus" and "Scene Selections" (Yes, those are considered "Special Features" according to the back of the box, not like virtually EVERY fucking DVD offers those.) To be honest, there's some shit in there. Deleted scenes and whatever. (I'll try to remember to mention those "Deleted Scenes" later.)

Two, I would crank the fucking sound up in the hopes that the sound design could help create the feel that the makers hoped to achieve.

Did the second decision help? Well, we'll get there, soon enough.

First off, let me introduce you to one of the major "talents" behind the creation of this film: Mr. John Fasano. As a director he brought us two heavy metal-themed horror films in the 80's. Black Roses, which was almost competent and somewhat amusing. And the god-awful shit-fest known as Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare.

If you have never seen the latter film, you are missing out on one of the most unbelievably horrendous 80's flicks out there. They even use what seem to be sock-puppets as demons. The plot is to ridiculous to recount, but go to B-movie review sights and you'll laugh your ass off. Plus, when I watched it I came up with a drinking game that gets you blitzed in the first 10 minutes!

So, Mr. Fasano, (Who also helped bring the abominable Zombie Nightmare to er..life) has helped write and produce this current subject of my time. Too bad Thor wasn't in this flick.

Let's begin.

Well, before I even got to start to flick after pushing "Play Movie" I was confronted with one of the oddest screens ever. It's not the first time I've seen it, but this is the second thing regarding the disc that is a strike against it. Wide screen or Full Screen? What?? Any fool, just by looking at the two choices they give you should be able to tell that you're missing almost HALF THE FUCKING PICTURE if you choose Full Screen. Your TV is not shaped like a movie theater. It's a box, whereas a movie screen is a fucking rectangle. I won't get into my argument on the two, just know that this is a totally ridiculous option and if I wanted to lose half the film I'd get the VHS. Anyway, Let's hit that play button, one more fucking time and see if an actual movie shows up.

Ok. done.

I'll start with something positive, because the movie actually does have one thing like that:

Their timing is just a bit off, but I give the director and editor props for trying with the opening kill. They almost make it work, but not quite. This scene even misses out on conveying the complete fear children have of the dark. There was a movie I thought would suck shit, that played a scene just like this extremely well. Boogeyman.I feel dirty.

This movie had potential. A decent budget, and ok story idea and actually started off making me think they were going to actually do something with their characters and actors. That all went to shit about 20 minutes in.

The acting was terrible. It started out ok and looked like there was pontential, but it became bland.

The writing especially towards the 3rd reel is absolute shit. . All you get to hear is "Stay in the light!" "Kyle!" "Michael!" "Caitlin!" over and over and over again. It reminds me of the quality writing in Twister. "Over here!" "Grab on!" "We might make it!" "Hang on!" Just absolute shitty writing.

There were cheap scares all over the place, beginning at 5 fucking minutes in. Those can be effective, don't get me wrong, but they have to be built up and timed properly. Just throwing some random person or thing at the screen, along with a loud, blaring musical sting does not make it scary. Just annoying. (BTW, at 10 minutes there was a loud blaring scare followed immediately by one at 10:30 seconds. WTF is that? That's not timing! That's overkill and desperation!)

The filmmakers also never tell us exactly what kind of death this creature is inflicting on its victims. All we ever see are some scratch marks on their faces. But the cops sure know that Kyle did it. How? Does he have some extremely long fingernails? Michael is said to have inflicted his wounds on himself. What kind? And how? Did the nurse forget to trim his that day? This all comes back to a terrible script that has no respect for its audience.

The cliches! Oh my christ! I mentioned the jump-scare-music-cue. But they even included the "spring-loaded cat from nowhere"! Are you fucking kidding me? That stopped being scary back in 83. The rednecks. The asshole cops. The pointless (yet brief) slow motion shot. It's all there, my friends and it ISN'T EVEN FUCKING FUNNY! This is played totally straight.

This movie also includes questionable scenes of logic. I'm all for suspending my belief, but when characters know to stay in the light, run down an emergency lighted corridor, but choose to hide in a fucking dark storage closet, I throw up my hands and pray for mercy. And the police station scene, oh my god. Sure, they can be terrible shots, but there is NO FUCKING WAY that they would ACCIDENTLY shoot out every emergency light in the room over and over again. Sorry, movie. I ain't buying that bridge. And that was supposed to be a sensory deprivation chamber? Are you kidding me?

I would be remiss if I did not mention the creature. The Tooth Fairy, of all things. Now, a good movie could be made from the premise of a murderous tooth fairy. And an interesting creature could be designed for said movie. And, actually, they really did design a great and creepy monster for Darkness Falls. Screaming Mad George has been around Since the late 80's and is just quite an FX designer and he designed the tooth fairy! Well, I fib, he designed the original that wasn't supposed to make a full-on appearance until the end of the film. Too bad the studio hated that idea. Instead, they hired Stan Winston's studio for re-shoots. Stan and his studio are amazing. But here's what the gave us: A flying ghost with a Michael Myers mask and Freddy make-up underneath. Wow. How frightening. I almost pissed myself WITH ANGER!

Now, honestly, I haven't seen the McFarlane toy based on SMGeorge's design. But I truly believe that not showing as much of the creature throughout the film would have helped A LOT. Seeing a mask with eyes behind it throughout the movie is rather bland. From what I saw of SMG's design, it looked creepy and mysterious. Not a scarred chick in a mask. I dunno.

As for the extras, it looks like when they went back to re-shoot scenes and add in more of the fairy, they fucked up some good shit. The "hallway of lights" original cut is fucking great! It actually achieves suspense! Amazing that they cut it all to shit and gave us a crappy piece of crappity crap. Morons. And the commentary, from what I heard of it, constantly references what other movies they were trying to emulate. What? Saving Private fucking Ryan? Are you kidding me? Aaaggghhh!!!!

Since I mentioned it above, I should let you know about the sound design. The tooth fairy sounds like shit and is annoying. Just going "Rehhhh! EEeeeeee! AAAAhhhhh!" all the fucking time. The music is okay. And boy do those musical stings for the fake scares stick out, dumbshits.

So, there ya go. I gave it a second chance. I almost started to enjoy it and believe that the filmmakers were truly going to try with the story. But, as I already should have continued to hold on to: This movie sucks total ass and shits all over its audience and doesn't care. Blech. Or, I mean Rehhh! EEeeeeee! AAAAhhhhh! ( Oh and the director is bringing us the Texas Chainsaw Prequel. Who knows?)

Nix says: Skip this, bitches!

Or, We Could Just Watch A Movie

My head hurts.

That being said, I'd like to take this moment to address something.

Why is fish not considered meat? I mean, it's an animal sorta thing and we eat its flesh. But it gets its own classification! WTF is that about?

Okay, that's not very well stated. What I mean is: Vegetarians think it's okay to eat "fish", but not okay to eat a fucking cow. Is the cow more cognizant than the fish? Is that the difference? Cuz I've met a few cows in my day and they're not too damn smart. I'd go so far as to say that they're no smarter than a fucking fish. "Eat, shit, become food."

The only reason horses haven't become a food source is because they're useful. They can do tricks and get us from place to place. (Plus, I'd imagine they taste kinda gamey) Can a fish or a cow leap a 4 foot piece of wood for a ribbon? I didn't think so.

Nix says: I wonder what dolphin tastes like.