Review Of Stupid-Ass Darkness Falls

(Part of the Dueling Banjo Movie Reviews)

Darkness Falls (2003)

IMDB Rating 4.5 (I'm seriously shocked people were so nice to this thing!)


Not to be mistaken for the 1999 DF, which got a 5.5 rating (And was straight to video/cable).


Before beginning my dreaded viewing of Darkness Falls, I decided two things.

One, I would watch the trailer, first. (I usually only do this for movies I'm excited about, but thought it would be nice to get re-introduced to how the studio promoted the film.

There was no trailer in the "Special Features". Off to a bad start, movie. But they did have "Animated Menus" and "Scene Selections" (Yes, those are considered "Special Features" according to the back of the box, not like virtually EVERY fucking DVD offers those.) To be honest, there's some shit in there. Deleted scenes and whatever. (I'll try to remember to mention those "Deleted Scenes" later.)

Two, I would crank the fucking sound up in the hopes that the sound design could help create the feel that the makers hoped to achieve.

Did the second decision help? Well, we'll get there, soon enough.

First off, let me introduce you to one of the major "talents" behind the creation of this film: Mr. John Fasano. As a director he brought us two heavy metal-themed horror films in the 80's. Black Roses, which was almost competent and somewhat amusing. And the god-awful shit-fest known as Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare.

If you have never seen the latter film, you are missing out on one of the most unbelievably horrendous 80's flicks out there. They even use what seem to be sock-puppets as demons. The plot is to ridiculous to recount, but go to B-movie review sights and you'll laugh your ass off. Plus, when I watched it I came up with a drinking game that gets you blitzed in the first 10 minutes!

So, Mr. Fasano, (Who also helped bring the abominable Zombie Nightmare to er..life) has helped write and produce this current subject of my time. Too bad Thor wasn't in this flick.

Let's begin.

Well, before I even got to start to flick after pushing "Play Movie" I was confronted with one of the oddest screens ever. It's not the first time I've seen it, but this is the second thing regarding the disc that is a strike against it. Wide screen or Full Screen? What?? Any fool, just by looking at the two choices they give you should be able to tell that you're missing almost HALF THE FUCKING PICTURE if you choose Full Screen. Your TV is not shaped like a movie theater. It's a box, whereas a movie screen is a fucking rectangle. I won't get into my argument on the two, just know that this is a totally ridiculous option and if I wanted to lose half the film I'd get the VHS. Anyway, Let's hit that play button, one more fucking time and see if an actual movie shows up.

Ok. done.

I'll start with something positive, because the movie actually does have one thing like that:

Their timing is just a bit off, but I give the director and editor props for trying with the opening kill. They almost make it work, but not quite. This scene even misses out on conveying the complete fear children have of the dark. There was a movie I thought would suck shit, that played a scene just like this extremely well. Boogeyman.I feel dirty.

This movie had potential. A decent budget, and ok story idea and actually started off making me think they were going to actually do something with their characters and actors. That all went to shit about 20 minutes in.

The acting was terrible. It started out ok and looked like there was pontential, but it became bland.

The writing especially towards the 3rd reel is absolute shit. . All you get to hear is "Stay in the light!" "Kyle!" "Michael!" "Caitlin!" over and over and over again. It reminds me of the quality writing in Twister. "Over here!" "Grab on!" "We might make it!" "Hang on!" Just absolute shitty writing.

There were cheap scares all over the place, beginning at 5 fucking minutes in. Those can be effective, don't get me wrong, but they have to be built up and timed properly. Just throwing some random person or thing at the screen, along with a loud, blaring musical sting does not make it scary. Just annoying. (BTW, at 10 minutes there was a loud blaring scare followed immediately by one at 10:30 seconds. WTF is that? That's not timing! That's overkill and desperation!)

The filmmakers also never tell us exactly what kind of death this creature is inflicting on its victims. All we ever see are some scratch marks on their faces. But the cops sure know that Kyle did it. How? Does he have some extremely long fingernails? Michael is said to have inflicted his wounds on himself. What kind? And how? Did the nurse forget to trim his that day? This all comes back to a terrible script that has no respect for its audience.

The cliches! Oh my christ! I mentioned the jump-scare-music-cue. But they even included the "spring-loaded cat from nowhere"! Are you fucking kidding me? That stopped being scary back in 83. The rednecks. The asshole cops. The pointless (yet brief) slow motion shot. It's all there, my friends and it ISN'T EVEN FUCKING FUNNY! This is played totally straight.

This movie also includes questionable scenes of logic. I'm all for suspending my belief, but when characters know to stay in the light, run down an emergency lighted corridor, but choose to hide in a fucking dark storage closet, I throw up my hands and pray for mercy. And the police station scene, oh my god. Sure, they can be terrible shots, but there is NO FUCKING WAY that they would ACCIDENTLY shoot out every emergency light in the room over and over again. Sorry, movie. I ain't buying that bridge. And that was supposed to be a sensory deprivation chamber? Are you kidding me?

I would be remiss if I did not mention the creature. The Tooth Fairy, of all things. Now, a good movie could be made from the premise of a murderous tooth fairy. And an interesting creature could be designed for said movie. And, actually, they really did design a great and creepy monster for Darkness Falls. Screaming Mad George has been around Since the late 80's and is just quite an FX designer and he designed the tooth fairy! Well, I fib, he designed the original that wasn't supposed to make a full-on appearance until the end of the film. Too bad the studio hated that idea. Instead, they hired Stan Winston's studio for re-shoots. Stan and his studio are amazing. But here's what the gave us: A flying ghost with a Michael Myers mask and Freddy make-up underneath. Wow. How frightening. I almost pissed myself WITH ANGER!

Now, honestly, I haven't seen the McFarlane toy based on SMGeorge's design. But I truly believe that not showing as much of the creature throughout the film would have helped A LOT. Seeing a mask with eyes behind it throughout the movie is rather bland. From what I saw of SMG's design, it looked creepy and mysterious. Not a scarred chick in a mask. I dunno.

As for the extras, it looks like when they went back to re-shoot scenes and add in more of the fairy, they fucked up some good shit. The "hallway of lights" original cut is fucking great! It actually achieves suspense! Amazing that they cut it all to shit and gave us a crappy piece of crappity crap. Morons. And the commentary, from what I heard of it, constantly references what other movies they were trying to emulate. What? Saving Private fucking Ryan? Are you kidding me? Aaaggghhh!!!!

Since I mentioned it above, I should let you know about the sound design. The tooth fairy sounds like shit and is annoying. Just going "Rehhhh! EEeeeeee! AAAAhhhhh!" all the fucking time. The music is okay. And boy do those musical stings for the fake scares stick out, dumbshits.

So, there ya go. I gave it a second chance. I almost started to enjoy it and believe that the filmmakers were truly going to try with the story. But, as I already should have continued to hold on to: This movie sucks total ass and shits all over its audience and doesn't care. Blech. Or, I mean Rehhh! EEeeeeee! AAAAhhhhh! ( Oh and the director is bringing us the Texas Chainsaw Prequel. Who knows?)

Nix says: Skip this, bitches!