You Should Know It When You Find It

Is it just me or is our whole existance based on finding someone to spend the rest of our life with?

Money isn't a viable reason for living. You could have millions to blow, but at the end of the day you're still alone.

Perhaps I'm just a hopeless romantic. But my life seems to be centered on the union (and I don't even mean marriage) of my soul with someone who makes me feel as if I couldn't live without them.

I have friends who have married and hopefully feel satisfied and content. I envy them.

I had the opportunity to have that feeling. At the time, though, I was a total fuck-up. I had no idea what I was throwing away. I was clueless as to what was available and what I was doing.

I pay for that, daily, now. Bruce Campbell's new movie is called "The Man With the Screaming Brain" and that totally fits me.

Now I'm on this ridiculous quest to just go out and have pointless sex. Jesus, that's so high-school. But that's the direction I'm heading. And I guess if it happens, that wouldn't be so bad. But it's just a temporary satisfaction.

And I'm so fucking picky, too. Everyone bugs the shit out of me. What do ya do? Well, I guess you just bang 'em and go. So you don't have to deal with the BS. And that's so shitty. But there are women out there who feel the same, I guess.

Agh. You should know it when you find it. I wish I had.

Nix says: Yay. Another day.

My Judgement Is Final, Mortals (Additional)

Heather:

01. You are such a sweet person. I love that.
02. This song by Mortal, about friends. Don't know the title, but it fits.
03. 12 Noon. The time I need to get the hell out so you and Steve have time together.
04. "warm"
05. When I realized that you weren't a bitch.
06. A chow. Snuggly and loving, but will defend itself fiercely.
07. How'd you end up with a dick like Quill? (Again, just kidding.)

Nix says: More for the rest later.

And here they are:

Spawn:

01. I like that you dwell in the darkness, just like me. (Kill people!)
02. American Psycho
03. 4 a.m. "Holy shit. We've been up that long?"
04. "Destruction"
05. Jesus. There are so many. Laughing our asses off on the road/in the hotels. Pick one. (Wait,I'm supposed to pick one. I can't. Too many.)
06. 'rilla
07. When are you gonna dump that awful bitch you're with and let me fuck you in the ass? (Once again, just kidding.)Oh, shit! Hizz just pointed out that I called 'Manda a bitch. Shit. I didn't mean it like that. It's all just to make a joke, 'Manda. You know I love you. I guess I could re-write it, but I'd rather not. I think it's funny.

Hizz:

01. I like that you're addicted to books, like I am.
02. Green Jelly: Rock and Roll Pumpkin
03. 10 p.m. "I'm not sleeping, I'm just laying here."
04. "Circumlocution"
05. Prancing on the futon.
06. Armadillo
07. Why do you let your family drive you nuts?

@Heather: It was no fault of yours. Hell, I thought Beaver was a complete asshole until I actually met him.

Phoenix:

01. I like your honesty.
02. Pink Floyd: Learning To Fly
03. Hmmm...I see you as a 2 p.m. maybe time to start work on that story, type.
04. "Glowy" (I don't think that's a real word, but it fits.)
05. The only night we spent time together.
06. Swan
07. You gonna get started being creative, again, or what?

Nix says: Those things aren't as easy as they look.

I Love Hot-Dogs.....For Happiness!

I would like to start this post by saying: "I would like to start this post by saying:".

And I did. So there.

My buddy Quill did this thingie on his blog:
01. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
02. I will then tell what song/movie/icon reminds me of you.
03. if I were to apply an o'clock to you, I'll tell you what it would be.
04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
08. Put this in your journal.

So here's what he said about me:
01. I like how fun-loving you can be
02. Jason Mewes, no question
03. 5:00 P.M. – at least I THINK that’s “Miller time”
04. ‘unique’
05. Both times going to Pevely flea market.
06. Wolf
07. I wonder how you could ever think you’re a failure with as much ambition and drive as you have…


So, I figured I'd return the favor:
01. I like your smart-ass attitude.
02. KMFDM A Drug Against War
03. 8:00 pm - Time to hook up with me and Spawn (estimated time)
04. "Forgiving"
05. Pevely, man. Definitely Pevely.
06. Duh, Rhino.
07. M.C. Hammer? (just kidding!)

So, I guess if you want to do the same thing here, everyone, I'll try to get you, as well.

Nix says: That was a "happy" post, I guess.

The Lord Loves To Crap On All Of Us

I have awful news. Nothing life-threatening, unless you call wanting to bash your own head against a wall repeatedly until your brains ooze out of your ears and your eyes pop out of your head life-threatening.

First, a little background. I upgraded my 'top. Got some more memory and moved up from Win98 to Win2K. In order to do this, we wiped the drive. Now, I have been doing a lot of work on Loaf on Word. (I bet you see where I'm going with this.). And I always back up what's on the drive with a floppy. I picked up the 'top today and my USB is working and everything's great. I popped in my disc to load the Loaf work onto the drive and THE GODDAMN MOTHER-FUCKING DISC WAS CORRUPTED AND ALL THAT FUCKING WORK I DID IS LOST UP SATAN'S ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!

Ahem. Sorry. But I was up to like 10 or 12 pages.

So, I shall mourn the loss of all of those new lines and ideas and camera shots for today. Then I'll start again tomorrow. Fuck me. This fucking sucks. I almost cried. I still feel like crying. That was A LOT of work. And it was good stuff.

Anyway. I actually wanted to talk about Sedalia and karaoke and fun stuff. Sorry. Not today.

Nix says: Grrrrrrr.......

Towel Paper Towel

The above title brought to you by Mr. Tommy Inthavongsa.

I have officially been mostly awake for over 18 hours. I'm starting to see tracers and shit. Free acid trip. Yay.

*Sigh*

You had to know I was gonna talk about father's day.

But before we go into that, I have to tell all of you about the fantastic hair-cut I got at Suzy Kwan's place. Suzy was on vacation, so I had a possibly homosexual male in a Hawaiin shirt. He spoke english. I could actually explain what I wanted done, instead of making loud exclamations and using vague hand gestures. Sorry Suzy. Thanks possible gay hair-dresser, who we shall call....ah, Fred. Thanks, Fred. (Think B-52's)

So there was a light-hearted rant.

So I went to talk with my father, today. It's been awhile since I've gone to talk to him. It was funny telling him all about the film we're working on, since it's based on all the films he never understood why I was obsessed with. I told him how I remembered the time he went to Radio Shack (back in the day, there was no Blockbuster) and rented Moscow on the Hudson. I'd already seen it and wanted something bloody. My mom drove me into town to exchange it, and I cried on the way. I felt like I had really hurt my dad and made him feel like I didn't love him. My mom just kinda laughed and smiled at me and assured me that he knew how much I loved him. I'm sure they both discussed and giggled about it that night. But I always think back to that day and it helps me realize just how much he loved me and I loved him. Looking at that grave with his name/my name makes me want to do something to make him proud.

Fuck. I'm rambling. Pardon me while I go to obvious mode:

Just respect your parents. They may be annoying and pressure you or they may not even try. But that's the only set you'll ever have. Once they're gone, you'll never be able to have that type of love, again. And there's nothing like that in the world.

Fuck. I need to call my mom. Shit. She's in Australia. Dammit.

One thing I'm starting to realize is that I can't let go of her...the...M-word. God, just please let me not think of Mikki for one fucking day. That's my main problem.

BTW, Did you know I had to teach myself to shave my face and I still suck at it? Did you know that I just can't seem to let go of her? Did you know that I hate myself for that? Did you know that I wish I could change the past?

I spent some time thinking about what I really want. Need.

And I have no fucking clue, anymore. I'm just gonna exist. At least I have hobbies and shit to keep me occupied, while I patiently wait for someone to fill the role of "soul mate"/"white wolf".

I suppose that's enough boring introspective crap for today.

*he stares into the darkness of the sky and dreams of being able to sigh with contentment*

Nix says: Seriously, siblings that don't appreciate what they have should spend just 30 minutes at JB Cemetary on Father's Day. Just watch.

Our Troops. (Is that spelled right?)

Well, I finally got web access on my 'top. I had many other things I wanted to talk about, but....

I took the 'top down to Bennigans, had a few beers (and, yes, I really mean "a few"), wrote more Loaf and watched everyone around me.

Let's just get to it, shall we?

I went outside to smoke, before the walk back to the hotel. I ended up talking to a guy and 2 girls. One of which was in her camo. They were on their way to Iraq, again.

It was 2 a.m. and they were searching for a way to purchase beer. This is Irving, TX. No way. I happened to have 3 at my hotel, so invited them over.

Fuck, let's cut the bullshit. This girl. The one in the camo's. She was brilliant. Beautiful. I looked in her eyes and I desperately wanted her not to go. Same for the other girl and guy. They were all a lot of fun to hang with.

Good luck, guys. Maybe we'll meet in another shitty Texas town, someday.

Nix says: I hope the flight fills up before they can get on, like they were hoping.

No Title, But Still Important

But I guess that would be a title, anyway, right? Hmmm..

I woke up Wednesday at 6 a.m. And I think everyone knows how amazing that is. But that's not important. This is: Everything had changed. The fight was over. It was quiet inside. No need to run away.

So, my New Year starts a bit early. June 1st is now officially: Nix' Back To "Normal" Day.

*sigh* It's been rough, I know. I'm very sorry. I'm also thankful for those of you that came to me with your concerns. For those that stood beside me and had to watch that happen. For those that came offering friendship,words of wisdom and help. For those that tried to understand just what the fuck it was that was going on. It all means a lot to me.

So, let's move on and see what we can do, now.

I now have a total of 3 video cameras and Spawn has one. So that makes...4! 4 beautiful cameras! Ah!Ah!Ah!

Some may ask: Why the fuck would we need that many? Well, there are 2 reasons. As most know, we are planning to make a documentary on making Loaf. But who the hell can operate the cameras while we're trying to get it together? Well, we set up 3 with different angles, close-ups, etc...then cut them together later. Nice. Also, while filming the actual film, it'd be nice to get two cameras covering a scene to help speed up the shoot and give us more options in editing. Plus one for behind the scenes. (Always a method to my madness, non-believers.)

Now, once we complete Dave's costume, we can start on some of the more action oriented scenes that require the most time to do. (That's my plan, for now, at least.)

FINALLY, we have the sacred wheelchair I've been drooling over for all this time. First, it's part of one of the funniest scenes in the flick. Second, can help with moving camera shots. Oh, thank you, merciful Buddha.

Nix says: So, in closing. Hot Dogs for Happiness.