A little too much info. Or, everyone's favorite topic: SEX!!

My last roommate used to think that this was just the funniest thing.
I haven't had sex in 2 years. It started out as a 1 year break in order to get my head together and cut out distractions. See, I get really wrapped up in relationships which happen to also include sex. Hell, I just get totally obsessed with relationships with females.
So my one year has now stretched into two. This is all by choice, BTW. I have had multiple opportunities in the past 2 years. But here's the deal. If I am into a girl enough I will lay down "the rules". The rules are difficult for both me and her. 1) I will do whatever it takes to get you off except actually fucking you. 2) Above the belt line on me fine. Try anything lower and I'm kicking you the fuck out. (I actually had to do that once.) 3) My clothes stay on unless I feel I can cope with the nearness of two nude bodies. (This has never happened and I doubt it will.)
So, with that being said, the past few days have been very difficult for me. I have decided to keep this up until I am done with my film, since it is very important to me and I've finally got back to my film work. I met a cool chick that I actually came home with and have seen her twice, now. She fully embraces my insanity and we both have much in common. But my resolve still holds. Perhaps she will be able to wait for my strike to end or not. I'm hoping for the former.
Long, pointless post, eh? I forgot what else I wanted to say. So, until next time.....

Nix says: FOOD!!!

*He stretches and relishes being home...for once*

3 weeks is a long fucking time to be on the road. This is the only time I've been glad to be back in Misery.
First order of business:
I have completed the first draft of the Wicked Wildflower/Bug Juice co-production of "Night of the Living Loaf (Beat the Meat)!!
I finished it on our 20 hour drive back home and am ready to explode. I made many changes: additions/subtractions and feel there are some very funny things that we're gonna do. It's still a very, very rough draft with minimal dialogue but the major scenes and actions are done. Now the real work begins....
Second order of business: Unfortunately, I have lost internet contact with Nikki. Perhaps there are further computer problems or whatever. But I miss having conversations with her and am reticent to call without knowing if she is home or not. (Calling cards are not cheap.) Spawn thinks I'm nuts for even caring. And I understand his position. She's all the way in Canada. But she makes me feel happy and fulfilled just by sharing info about eachother. Perhaps I never will actually meet her in person, but....perhaps I will have made a very good friend in the end. But hell, I spent a year in Canada. She's already wanted to come down to see me, so...I dunno.
Fuck it. I'd just like to be able to continue to talk with each other. That would be just wonderful. Perhaps (and there's that word, again...I think it's funny. You all should say it out loud a few times.) I will just go ahead and call anyway. No harm done for a one minute "not there* call.
Tomorrow is my fucking birthday. I am torn. On the one hand there is a gathering planned with a lot of new people I can't wait to meet. (which is sweet considering last year I got to do nothing) And on the other, I'm GONNA FUCKING BE 30 GODDAMN YEARS OLD!!!!
However I feel, I can't stop it.
Remember turning 16? "Yay!!! I can drive!!!
18? "Yay!!! I can smoke!!!
21? "Yay!!! I can drink!!!
Guess what comes after that, boys and girls?
25: "Hmm. I'm a quarter of a century old. Damn.
30: "Holy fuck. I'm an old mother-fucker. All the music on the radio that was considered "rock" in my early teens is now on the easy-listening station. I'm fucking gonna die soon.

Nix says: Maybe being a lone wolf won't be so bad.

I can't fucking help it.

I really like this chick, Nikki.
I don't know what the fuck is going on.
I am attempting to keep this light. I do not want to became so obsessive that I freak.
But all is good. She has intelligence. Good vocabulary. And a love of horror.
All things that I look for in a person I would like to spend time with. (love my choice of words)
Blabbitty blah.
Pointless. Just talking to myself.

Nix says: Die. Kill. Mutilate. Decapitate. Eviscerate.

Road Werk

Still trapped in fucking Utah. What's up with these Mormons?
Actually, I know what's up, since I actually was one for some months in my "youth" (yeah, I'm still stressed about turning 30 in a few days)
There is nothing to do in Logan. Salt Lake is a couple hours away. And Idaho has nothing, either.
Remember that post about how girls are actually starting to look at me different? Well, here's a prime example.
I walked over to Macey's to buy some watered down beer (only 3% as opposed to 5). I was checking out and there was a girl that, I guess was supposed to be the "bagger". Somehow we got involved in a conversation that continued after it was time for me to leave. It all ended with a strange silence where we were both looking in eachothers eyes. Almost as if she was waiting for me to ask her what she was doing after work (since the focus of our conversation was about what there was to do in Logan). I gave a nervous-type smile and excused myself. The two guys I'm travelling with gave me some shit about it. But this is my thinking:
I'm not looking for a one night stand. I'm not even looking for a relationship. I'm not even looking. If I happen to stumble upon a worthwhile woman....fine. But a pointless nothing is not what I need.
Anyway. Must wrap this up.

Nix says: She was cute, though.

A bummer blog.

So I was talkin' with my sister last night. I really miss her, so it was nice to be able to talk, again.
Apparently there is some health issue involving her spinal column and surgery may be necessary in the near future.
I (well not actually "pray" but something) that all shall be well for her.
I had a big breakdown in front of Spawn and Jeff and probably looked like a total idiot.
I love you, sis! I can't be there in body, but in spirit I am next to you, holding you close and keeping you safe.

Nix says: Cursed. My family is cursed.

Ok, now.

The girl is back. Some sort of computer problem.
Things are getting strange. I actually called her and talked for almost an hour.
She wants to visit. And...I want her to.
What the fuck is going on, here? This can only end in tragedy.
I am now certain that she is who she says she is.
What a cool fuckin chick. I felt comfortable talking with her. It's actually a bit scary.
Weird. Had I not left Canada I would be able to actually meet her in person.
Total pointless post, here. Just talking to myself.
Fuck! I'm gonna be 30 in 8 days! *stomps on various fluffy animals in outrage*
I wanna be loved! I want someone to appreciate me for who I am and not try to fucking change me!!! I want someone to tell me that I am a child and like that about me. I will work to live and always be young at heart. Fuck all these bitches that continually cheat, lie, and only want money to buy more fucking shoes!!! AGgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
I deserve better than what I have had. And I will find the real White Wolf before I die. I have to. Life has to give me something in return for being a fucking "nice guy", right? Or should I just go ahead and be a total dick to everyone. That seems to work for a lot of people. Fuck. Even just "friends" treat me like shit. AND I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU, B!!! I was there for you when you tried to kill yourself and now you won't even answer me when I try to talk. Fuck you. Fuck your problems. And fuck the hell off.
AND THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR YOU, CONNIE!!!
That feels better.
Someday I'll have a group of friends that give back what I have given them.

Nix says: I think that's enough.

The angel led me there.

So, here we are in Mormon country, Utah.
Excitement fills the air.
Not a whole bunch to say.
I feel a lot better when I'm on the road. Less time alone to get all stupidly depressed.
Hangin' with Spawn helps a lot.
That's about it for me, kids.

Nix says: Women.

To "Omni"

Who the hell are you?
There is no clue or anything as to how to contact you or who you are.
Email address is available at the "Loaf" site. Or maybe even on my profile.
Like your head-werks.

Nix says: Everybody wins. Yay!

Just me, baby.

What a wonderful welcome to Ida-fucking-ho.
After a 24 hour drive we couldn't actually stay in the hotel that we're doing our shows in.
So we're staying at a Holiday Inn "Express". Whatever that means. But that's not a big deal.
We arrived on Thursday and Spawn got all set up with his 'top and I was flipping channels when all of a sudden the power went off. Great. He's got some battery life and this is what I can't do: Watch TV, watch DVD's, listen to music, read a book, read Fango, masturbate....ok, I guess I could do that in the dark........anyway........
Best to make the best of a not so great situation. We were talkin' scary stories and shit and things got weird outside but it was nothing exciting. I did tell some guy that he was an asshole towards his girl, though. I can't stand when guys don't appreciate what they have. No fight, though.
So I must be not looking so crushed and hopeless lately, 'cause I've been getting lots of smiles and looks from chicks as we travel. Or it could just be that we're in the middle of fucking nowhere and I'm the best thing to roll through town since flushing toilets.
So the girl I was "chatting" or whatever with has disappeared. Perhaps I said something wrong. Who knows? I'm not crushed about it but still miss talking with her. Blah.
More to say, but it would be more whining.

Nix says: People are so fucking......people-like.

Letting Go

God, just writing that makes me ache inside.
Hey, if you're one of those people that hates when people whine or whatever on their logs, you should probably skip this entry.
I just smashed into a large wall of depression about 2 hours ago. I know alcohol can make ya all depressed, but I don't have that excuse. Stone sober. I was just sitting here working on various things and all of a sudden I had to fucking lay down and try to keep myself from breaking. Bam! Out of nowhere and this bitch is back in my head and poking at my heart.
I was doing ok for about a week or so. And there was nothing apparent to trigger this. The Kovenant is not exactly depressing music. Just all of a sudden I felt that dark emptiness inside me again. Then come the questions: Who's this guy and what's so fucking great about him? Is she fucking him? Is he rich? Does she go out with him and do the things she couldn't do with me? Does she ever even fucking think about me? Wonder if I'm getting over the whole fucked situation?
What were the lies and what was the truth?
And how will I ever find someone who compares with her?
Just this once, Song of the moment: Happy? by God Lives Underwater and Don't You (Forget About Me) covered by Life of Agony

Nix can't talk.

A gift for all.

Putting up a new post on Loaf. Wonderful news.

Nix says: Damn. I DO look good!

Circling the Circumference

Just a few (or less) updates for everybody.
First, anyone should be able to post replies now. You should not need a web log of your own. (There ya go, sis)
Second, there's a new site up which should be linked to the right. It's for all things re: film.
Third, I have nothing to put third. But "third" is a funny looking word and funny sounding, too.

Nix says: Sarsippius Silamanajic Jackson da Terd (I don't care what you did on who.)